In my last post, I wrote about how good it felt to be encouraged to take the inside lane at my weekly track workout. Today, I am wondering what is preventing me from taking the inside lane of my own life.
For several weeks, I have been kicking around an idea for living my purpose in life. What would it be for me to start my own venture with a mission to help others learn to love life? I mean, my own organization that has me living with meaning as I facilitate, coach and counsel others to do the same with their lives? Oh, the thought of it makes me giddy! My soul venture...
Teeny voice inside: But I can't. It's too hard. I don't know how.
Big dreamer inside: WHAT!? Never say can't! Yes we can! WE WILL!
The conflict of those two voices has me a little torn up. The big dreamer is ready to get out on the track, grab that inside lane, and run as fast as she can. The teeny voice is hanging out comfortably in lane four, taking it easy as she runs the track of life. And though her voice is teeny, she currently has the most power in the battle for my mind.
Why am I so afraid of doing what I feel I am meant to do?
One of the most impactful things I learned in my masters program for counseling was how the human soul deals with life change. We may be in places in our lives we are not happy with - maybe it's a life-draining job, an unhappy marriage, an inability to say no, being overweight, feeling stuck in an abusive relationship, a lack of confidence....the list could go on and on.
The fact is, no matter how much we may want things to be different, there is a great deal of comfort in our current situation. The comfort is not about being comfortable with the situation. (Most people who have things they want to change are very uncomfortable with the situation.) Rather, comfort comes in the form of the phenomenal degree of predictability that comes with our current situation. Being able to have a degree of predictability in our lives is a tremendous driver, giving us a sense of control. There is power in that prediction.
Though often unconscious, the incredible fear of the unknown that comes with change can be intolerable. Venturing into the unknown requires we consciously address fears that were safely hidden in predictability. So, we stay in life-draining jobs, don't address bad marriages, take on too much, don't lose weight, stay in bad relationships, deal with the ramifications of lack of confidence...all in the name of maintaining the predictability of life.
I was deeply impacted by this idea as I watched the clients I counseled struggle to change very painful situations in their lives. Now, I am facing this very same struggle as I say I want change. I say I want to live a life of purpose and meaning. Yet, the more I talk about making that a reality, the more my fears rise to the top:
"I won't make enough money." (I am learning that money - er, the lack
of it - has a great deal of power in my life).
"I might look like an
idiot."
"I don't know how."
"Some people will think I don't know what I'm doing."
"I don't know what I am doing."
"I might fail."
"I might succeed."
"Who am I to really be doing this?"
"It's just dumb. Other people do this, not you."
"Dani, you are too lazy
to do something like this." Oh god. Am I? Am I really too lazy? What
other ugly things about myself might I have to face if I venture so far
out of the zone of predictability?
I convince myself of the reasons why I don't need to pursue this dream:
"It’s really not a big deal."
"My current job really isn’t that bad."
"No one will pay that amount for what I have to offer."
"I am
just not business savvy enough to get this off the ground."
These voices of fear and doubt are so strong.
It is so EASY to stay in the predictable comfort of a mediocre life. Currently, I'm in a job that I am very good at, has a decent income (when I have work), and offers me a lot of free time. Though I (sort of) enjoy what I do, I am not making an impact in people's lives the way that I know I can. I left this job in 2003 to pursue a career in counseling, knowing I'd find much greater passion in that work. I got the degree, but have found myself back in my training career, working to impact organizations, not souls. And the job is just comfortable enough that I fear I will stay in it forever. My dream of building a career around helping others learn to love their life is locked behind bars of the comfort and predictability of being a pretty good facilitator for organizations.
*SIGH*
Honestly, I am not sure I have what it takes to move beyond the predictability and take the risk of change. If I really step out there and put a stake in the ground, then what? Oh, dear god, then what?
I used to think running five miles was impossible. I have done that many times now. I still question if running a half-marathon (which I plan to do in September) is possible, yet my success at getting to five miles tells me I will likely be able to do it. IF (and this is a big IF) I continue putting in the effort. Run 3-4 times per week. Cross train. Strength train. Eat right.
I currently feel like getting a soul venture off the ground is impossible. But maybe that's because I am thinking of it as going out and running the full marathon. What if I just ran a mile first. Hell, even just five minutes? IF (and this is a big IF) I continue putting in the effort, I can get there.
Though I believe I can get there if I take it one step at a time, I will be honest and say that I don't know if I will. I am being tested with the dilemma of predictability vs. the unknown, staying in lane four vs. the taking the inside lane of my own life.
I honestly don't know if I can do this. But, I will continue to be honest about where I am. I don't know if I have it in me to start this soul venture, but I do know I have it in me to be honest about the journey.
That is where I choose to start.
~~~Thoughts~~~
What do you feel you are meant to do? Are you doing it?
What do you want to be doing? Are you doing it?
If not, what are you afraid of if you do what you are meant to do?
Above I listed some things in green. If you are so inclined, make your own "green list," a list of the fears and voices that hold you back. Identify them, get to know them, be curious about them. Then, together, maybe we can neutralize them.
Until next time, may you love your life today.
